There is the light that never goes out.

I don’t have anyone else to tell so here it goes…

Lately, a lot of people have been anticipating my birthday. Asking me about my plans and all. To be honest, I stopped getting excited about my birthday when I became 17. Sure its a reason for me to be thankful for another year of existence but it kind of became a cliché for me. A greater number of people whom I barely even know greet me rather than that of the people that I do know. Aside from the fact that I hate getting old (because it reminds me that I’m getting closer to death and that another year for me is the last of another) I’ve always wanted one thing that I never get every fucking year. My mom always asks me what I want to get or to do. I always tell here none but she gives me presents even so then we end up eating out with the whole family. Still, I never get what I really want. That one thing every single year. It just sucks that even if I do tell my mom, she won’t be able to give it to me.

This is no specific material thing, really. All I ask is for this one person in my entire life to please just greet me. Even just every birthday of my entire life. That would mean so much. I can’t help but cry a little everytime I talk about him. Even if I think I hate him, I still miss him. God, I miss him! No one, not even my mom encouraged me to hate him. I never really did until I got older and knew better. It’s the fact that he’s always been there but never there..for me. I keep on asking myself or even God why. Why does he not like me? Why doesn’t he want to have to do anything about me? He didn’t say or tell me this but this is how I feel. How come he doesn’t reach out to me? I used to reach out to him to spend time but God knows that I’m tired. He keeps on telling me that he’s ashamed to reach out to me because he doesn’t have anything to please me but honestly, I don’t care. All I want is him, his time..his love. Almost half of my life not having him around. I can’t help but wonder what my life would be now if he was still with us. To have him hug me or pat me at one shoulder when times are rough and tell me that everything will be okay, to have him give me the permission to go places, to have him teach me how to drive (which I’ve already learned when I was 14), to have him asking me about guys and school… All I ever wanted was for him to be here…to have a happy family but of course, that, in real life is impossible. It’s just that.. I want to be loved by him so bad. I want him to greet me on the 27th when I turn 21. I want him to tell me that he loves me again. That he misses me and that he’s sorry for having time lost with me. I want to spend time with him before its too late.

All I’m saying is that I hate my birthday because it reminds me of my father not greeting me and that I just end up being sad just thinking about it. I want to get used to disappointments. All I ever wanted was for him to be there for me…or just to greet me. Please.

Sometimes I feel like my life is wasting.